The inspiration and motivation behind my 4-week project “Externalizing Identity”

How do you define identity? “Ever since I knew I was gay in the sixth grade, guilt is the sole emotion that has controlled my life.” 

As a photographer I have always been interested in externalizing the internal feelings of my models, specifically portraying their mental health and true emotions. For the past two years in quarantine, I have solely been taking self-portraits and experimenting on images in ways I had never done before. Through a lot of trial and error, I was finally able to express my true self, my true identity. I used photography to express myself visually, reflecting back on my images in an attempt to explain my true emotions and thoughts to other people. With this project, I wanted to take the techniques I learned through self-portraits to portray someone else’s identity through my photographs. It was my goal to portray humanized identity through editing, lighting, and directional composition. Inspired by photographers like Nan Goldin, Elle Perez, and Lissa Rivera, I wanted to tell a story about male identity, specifically gay male identity. I chose Nolan Mungovan as my model, an eighteen-year-old, gay male. I found it extremely important to photograph him independently, highlighting his body and imperfect, perfect features. My mental map for my sustained investigation included grungy, low lighting with orange undertones. Through four different photoshoots, and over two thousand images I was able to construct a portfolio journal that represents my main theme of individualized, independent identity.

My main inspiration going into my first shoot was Nan Goldin with her highly intimate and personal photographs of the LGBTQ community in the 1970s. I began by photographing Nolan in a low lit bathroom, using natural lighting and long exposures. He felt uncomfortable at first, unable to pose, and unaware of his body movements. I pulled up Nan Goldin’s photographs as examples, showing him the ambiance I was going for. Specifically Nan Goldin’s The Ballad of Sexual Dependency and Self-Portrait in the Mirror as reference. I felt it was important to see his bare chest, a hickey vibrant on his neck telling the story of mysterious sexaul intimacy. I used the mirrors within the bathroom to demonstrate different perspectives and capture the glare that Nolan looked at himself with (Image 10). The deeper we got into the shoot, the more confident and relaxed Nolan became. When first editing them, I noticed the disparity between his true character and the more masculine, posed photos that I had taken for more artistic purposes. Through the first critique, I realized I needed to let go of my own goals as an artist and let Nolan take control of the artistic license. Instead of using Nan Goldin’s photographs as direct influences, I wanted to let Nolan take control of the next photoshoot, putting his own perspectives and world view into the images. Although I had two different investigations, I was able to take some photos that truly spoke to Nolan’s identity and use them for inspiration going into the second week. 

In order to portray Nolan’s identity more accurately, I listened to his wants and wishes for the images, allowing him to take full artistic license. Inspired by his favorite artist, Taylor Swift, and specifically her album Speak Now and its cover, he wore a red dress as I followed him around a park, trying to capture him in his natural state (Image 8-9). I worried less about the artistic composition and more about him being himself. The photos were stunning and vibrant, but still missing something. These photos gleamed with Nolan’s confidence and love of attention. It surprised me that the photos turned out beautiful and compositionally unique without me posing him or adjusting the composition. During the critique, my photography teacher showed me the work of Lissa Rivera, and specifically her Beautiful Boy series. The images were stunning and demonstrated exactly what I was looking for in my shoots with Nolan. I felt the passion and sense of identity in Rivera’s work, and thought about how I could better portray Nolan in that way. 

Looking back at the shoots I had done, I wanted to find a way to combine them and show the many sides of Nolan’s identity. I picked Nolan’s favorite photographs and printed them out individually on regular paper. I cut them out using an exacto knife, separating them from their backgrounds. By overlaying the images ontop of eachother I was able to combine facial expressions and body positions to show more depth from my first two photoshoots (Images 1, 9-10). I wanted to show that most people have an internal and external identity, one that they show other people and one that they keep inside. I made over fifty combinations of images and talked to peers about the ones that truly represented Nolan and the theme of identity I wanted to portray. 

While creating the final portfolio, I was able to combine my last three weeks of work, pulling together my artistic investigation of Nolan’s identity. In order to fully portray Nolan’s internal and external identity, I did one final shoot to demonstrate the use of his phone as a shield and protective blanket. Nolan told me he often uses his phone as a social shield when he is not feeling himself or judged in social situations (Image 2). I wanted to portray a moment of solidarity and aloneness as he is “sucked” into his phone.

Pulling the portfolio together, I used one of Nolan’s personal journals to underlay behind the image of him in a towel (Image 1). This first image in my portfolio gives context to the entire investigation of identity. What do people imagine when they hear the word “gay”? Nolan described to me how this over exaggerated demonstration of him in a feminine manner is often what people assume he is like when they find out he is gay. It is juxtaposed with his true story, the story of him coming out to his mom and losing his dad throughout that process. To him, this photo says, “here is my story, I am more that just a gay man.” This is Nolan Mungovan. The investigation then leads to the second image where it demonstrates where Nolan spends most of his time, in bed, alone, on his phone. “Screenager” is a word Nolan often hears as his phone has become a part of his identity, a security blanket. The third image, an instagram post, captioned “Did some reflecting” demonstrates how he wants others to see him. For those a part of Generation Z and millennial generation, social media is a huge part of their identity as they grew up surrounded by it. The photo he chose to post out of my first shoot is one out of 500 images that he thought represented him best and the one he felt the most confident in. Following the mirror, is a picture from the first shoot where he wanted to put on makeup. Looking in the mirror, putting on mascara for the first time, Nolan saw a side of himself that he had never thought about. He explained how many people assume he had put on makeup since he was gay, when in fact, staring at himself in that mirror was the first time he had touched makeup. The fifth image is a deep and dark image documenting a feeling that everyone has experienced. The identity we show on the outside is juxtaposed with the voice inside our head that stares back at us, constantly judging. The photo on the left demonstrates a form of anxiety that stares back at Nolan, analyzing his every decision. The sixth image demonstrates Nolan finally feeling confident in his own skin. He poses on his own and looks at the camera with confidence. Overlaying the duality over the cover image demonstrates the change in confidence and attitude. From a lone shadow to a strong man. Then comes him standing strong among the trees (Image 8). This is Nolan in full flesh--his true self. This is the identity and attitude Nolan always wants to portray. The next photo demonstrates the duality of identity and emotion. Although on the days we feel confident, there is always a looming doubt inside of us. A voice telling us we aren't good enough. Our internal personality that eventually comes out through emotion and anxiety. The last image ties the investigation together. Starting and ending with Nolan’s writing allows him to leave his message with the viewer. The middle images are merely visual, allowing the viewer to apply their own perspective and opinion. The last image shows Nolan in a mirror again, but now surrounded by a journal entry of confidence and affirmation. This is who he sees in the mirror. “This is me, this is who I am, and I project it unapologetically to the world.”

The cover--who is Nolan Mungovan? At first glance, a shadow, unsure in his own strength and confidence. The portfolio, each image different in their composition, color and attitude tell the story of Nolan Mungovan. 

This project took a lot of turns and caused me to really think about others and how I perceive their identity. It was truly challenging to portray someone else’s true feelings through a lens, on a 2D scale. Photography as a contemporary approach is to tell a deeper story and purpose behind each photograph. I began the class photographing on a surface level approach, just trying to create an aesthetic image. This final investigation has led me to think more about what individual images mean to me as the photographer, to the model, and to the audience. Learning about contemporary photography gave my photographs a deeper meaning and purpose. I began with images that were forced, posed, and not an accurate portrayal of Nolan and his culture. I tried again, with better results but still felt under succeeded. In Charlotte Cotton’s The Photograph as Contemporary Art, I felt the most influenced by chapters five and six. Throughout my investigation, I often found myself referring back to these chapters for inspiration and direction. Specifically, for example, chapter five explores intimate photography and images that have underlying meanings and a deeper connotation to their subject matter. Similar to Nan Goldin in chapter five, Elle Perez’s mirror photo on page 161 greatly influenced my photo of Nolan looking back at himself (Image 5). Through this process I learned how important influences are in photography, especially when trying to photograph an identity you are not a part of. Chapter six dives into environmental contemporary photography. Cotton stressed how many photographers “continually add to their projects.” This is what I found I would do with Nolan’s investigation, after four shoots, I finally felt like I had enough material to portray him accurately, in his environment. This type of photography tries to move the people that view it. I hope my photographs of Nolan accurately portray the person he wants to be to the world. I hope they inspire other photographers to dive into their own identity and others.

CHECK OUT THE FULL PORTFOLIO HERE: “EXTERNALIZING IDENTITY”